ED Recovery (part 6)
“Change by choice is different than change by force”-Nspiyer
Number of the day: 2
Today was another emotionally charged day. It was filled with tears and tons of anxiety. Took me all day to finally have the moments to even feel like writing today. I had a couple of experiences that pulled me from my comfort zone. So, let’s start with the fact that i was actually able to sleep through the night so yay! i did have some intermitten wake ups but it wasnt a nightmare. I was able to also be able to sleep. As the day went on i kept realizing that as a level 2 (after putting in the work) i get to go to the bathroom alone and shower in the single bathroom. it was definately one of those things that you dont think you would appreacte but on my in a place like this you quickly realize how much your freedom means when you dont have it. i had a couple of break downs at meal times due to the stress that i was feeling because of the emotional turmoil i was in. I went to group after being late and feeling ridiculous at my meal time table. everyone was talking book talk and i am not a reader so much as i am a writer. i realized that some people are readers and some are writers. I find that writing helps me release as it should for most but some dont like to write. I was sitting in the midst of a bunch of readers realizing how uncultured i am. I started to have those i am not enough feelings, those i am uncultured kind of feelings. I started to think maybe i am not as smart as some people. But after realizing that we all have strengths and because you dont fit with the norms or the people around you does not mean you dont fit. that just means you fit in a way that is unique to you and when you find yourself in that you start to see yourself in a different light. For example, some people are readers but the writers write what those readers are reading paving the way for change. for me that was a pivitol moment. I realized that i was the one that they would be reading one day in the future. I will be the topic of conversation, creating a change that i never thought possible. Sometimes those moments need to happen for us to be able to see ourselves through a different lens. Seeing the parts of us that maybe we put down for so long, opens us up to another layer to our wholeness of our being. I cried so bad because i thought my difference was ‘bad’. ‘Bad’ is a relative word that is subjective to our beliefs about what we were taught anyway. So having that thought in the future can be easily caught due to the fact that i am catching it now. I had a breakdown in front of my roommates about how i was feeling and they were so kind and open to my vulnerablility. Being honest with them was medicine because they helped me see that it was ok to be different and be myself. That led to the next break down for the day.. While having the conversation, i realized they were in a different group and i was late for my session cuz well they were on leisure. So i dart down to group and enter the room and it was art group. We had to do a picture and then after a few minutes you pass it to the left and everyone adds to the picture. Well i was late so i missed that memo. as i start my art which as you get to know me i am very passionate about it. the timer goes off and i go huh and shes like time to pass. My brain just melted and i went full on temper tantrum in my brain which was about to translate to my outer world. I passed it extremely reluctant.. When the person next to me started to write on it i freaked in my head. I wanted to get up, snatch my paper, kick the table over, and kick the person and just throw a fit. Here is where my self control comes in, i asked to get a bofa(breath of fresh air). As i leave to meet with the BHT outside the room, lo and behold no BHT so now i am full on panic mode. I run to the nurse already full blown ugly cry. She sits me in the nursing chair and gave me an ice pack(i was overheating), peppermint essential oil and my breathing bag to help calm my breathing. Sir regianald Quackers was quacking so loud cuz i was squeezing the ish out of his wing lol. My brain kept saying that was mine give it back on repeat. It was so difficult. The nurse took me outside and we looked at some tiger lillies that were growing and she said some days we will look as healthy as these and some days we will look like this one(it was dried up and falling off). It helped me see that even though today is tough it makes way for days when i look as healthy as the tiger lilly did. I was able to calm down. She was amazing. Then i get to meal time and there is a note from one of the other residents saying how she apprecated me and that i helped her and i didnt know it but she wanted to encougage me because she was having a hard time and she saw how hard i was pushing even though it was tough and it inspired her to do the same so shes been doing more than she thought she could. And of course i cried. lol who wouldnt right. then later we were moon walking in the hallways with the BHT lol. So my day turned out great after having all those ‘excitable’ moments lol. I hope this helped you on your journey. just remember you are you, you are beautiful and you bring something no one else does to the table and its time to embrace that part of you. You are loved, seen, and heard. :)
