ED recovery (part 5)

Welcome to part 5..

Gosh the lack of sleep is defintly very difficult. last night i found myself waking up several times and having to get out of the bed because of the nightmares. my nightmares are just continuations of each other. each one i am being cornered and kidnapped. Every dream has someone singing and someone is eating a green apple.. how strange. this place does things to my mind given i am always anxious. Apperently thats normal and yet i still have gotten so assistance with sleep, weed, stomach pains, gas well basically anything that would really make me comfortable. I dont get appointments with people i need to even help me.. Its very discouraging when you know yourself you try to advocate and they encourage you to advocate for yourself then tell you well thats a side effect of being here and getting nutrition. I was on a really good meal plan outside of here and when all this started happening i used my coping skills and i was able to go for a while without relapse of panic attacks i get here and now i am having panic attacks. They only happen when i feel like i am overly stressed and not able to soothe myself the way i need to. Why push self advocacy if you are just going to give me reasons why i cant do this or that. just stop telling people that. since my appointment with my psychiatrist i havent had any meds ordered and no signs of it happening.. My autism and ADHD is on like 1000 and its missed because they think its from malnutrition but i know myself and its like being overlooked because oh nutrition will fix it and in the past the reason for my ED is because it was easier to just not feel these feelings and all the rocking and shaking the thoughts tear me apart. Being around people was easier because the lack of nutrition was a coping skill since i couldnt get the actual help i needed to cope because everyone apparently knows me best. I bet they are attributing my feelings to the fact that i stopped smoking weed, i have gone years without it and when i realized it was helping me i kept up with it. I even had the dosing right which is insane! Now they come in as if they know what it is.. It took me hospitalizations to figure out that others dont have my best interest at heart they follow studies done on other people and not me so they group me. ok rant over. This morning started with me in tears, no sleep, stomach pains and just straight sadness. When going in to treatment, you can prepare as much as you can, but, understand you may not have all the info so stay open to everything. I am having to advocate for myself more than i thought i would. It is nice to see myself become even more assertive. Sticking up for myself, feels pretty empowering and self assuring. My recommendation, get to know yourself as much as you can. When you know yourself no one can take that away from you. It has taken me years to get to a point where i now know no one can take that away from me. I am taking my time with adjusting and understanding my boundaries that is so important as well. When you decide that you are ready to take the next step, know yourself enough to know your limits, but also stay open enough for change. Remember you are not there to stay the same but to grow and to grow is to become uncomfortable and to be uncomfortable is to do things that go against what you are used to. As the day went on, it did get easier i was respected and heard so i was able to have my regulation time in the dark with some deep breathing exercises. remember you may not have the access to your ‘perfect’/ideal coping skills so stay as open as you can and learn some new techniques if necessary but if you find that you are crossing your boundaries for yourself, at this point you may not be assertive in your actions just yet, so, take the time to study ways to become assertive with love and kindness and advocate for yourself!