ED recovery (part 4)

So this morning started off interesting..

I slept and drempt last night, however, I didnt go right to sleep. My racing thoughts were on a million. I had just spoke with a couple friends and my support system. I had a jarring moment before bed that reflected during my day today. I woke up and i was already feeling a bit stressed from not sleeping. I spoke with my roommate and they were very comforting when they listened to me. I got up and first i was kinda late for health check-in. then i got really anxious about my seat at breakfast, not being able to see the door, get the time i need to desensitize myself and self regulate and just a general overall feeling of not being heard.. it was really sucky. I started having racing thoughts because i was in a place where i sit near quite a few people and they squeeze between me. there is already an issue with being around a lot of people. Being in treatment is meant to push your limits and show yourself that you are stronger than you think. You are becoming an unstoppable force for yourself. so believe that everything you are doing is something nessasary for your opportunity of growth. Doing things that push your limits are ok, however, know your limits because others dont know if you dont know. I tried to push my limits and i pushed too hard. I looked at my scedule and it said that i had leisure time at 9:15am. I emailed my outside therapist/support system to set up an appointment to have a session given a conversation i had the night before to help me process that information. She then agreed and we set it up. As the day went on at breakfast, the BHT that was sitting there started reading off everyones schedule. As she gets to mine i realize that she said at 9:15am i have group. This then sends me into a panic because I had just set up the appointment with my therapist at that time! so i started to panic. No i mean literal PANIC. Once i realized my heart rate increase, temperature increase and the thoughts were endless, i knew it was happening. I asked the BHT at my table if we could step away. I first needed to see the door for a slight calmness which did not work btw LOL. you cant win them all. I then asked for a paper bag and expressed i was going into a panic attack. Now i have not had a panic attack in almost, mmmm, 2-3 years. I realized that my ED had masked those episodes which kept me addicted to my disorder. So now that i am reciving the nutrion that i needed, i had to establish firmer boundaries with people or they were going to happen more often. I then was at the nurse and they were all in hypervigilant mode. They didnt realize how much distress i was in. I then had to do my thing to calm myself because i knew that, i would have to go to the hospital if i wasnt able to reground myself. I am not even sure how long this one lasted honestly. I dont miss those. If you dont advocate for yourself, things like this will happen. i was given an ice pack and a chance to lay down for a bit. for the rest of the day, i went to my groups and pushed through everything. i did it with keeping in mind to advocate for myself. since today was a holiday the schedule, we had quite a bit of down time. for one of the downtimes, i dont usually go into the lounge area but i would chose lounge over LGR(large group room). That is over stimulating when everyone is in there. As the universe still works its magic, i was in there and somehow the topic of stones and oracle cards came up. During the conversation, they started asking me questions about intuition and how to read cards, how they read cards etc. they were asking me about intuition and what i do. i was asked to read someones cards and gotta say it was definately getting back in the saddle for me. they were so excited and stoked about how spot on it was that they were talking about it at dinner time. Now people want me to read thier cards! I was asked by the staff if i would be interested in teaching classes here. How bout those apples. at the end of the session i did self care cards to help them connect to a part of themselves that may need some extra attention. Everyone was so appreciative and in awe of what just happened. Now they like can you tell me what this stone is and this one? Gotta say, today was a good day and i am thankful that i pushed myself and took the time even after everything that happened earlier in the day, to continue to focus on the good things because in treatment it can very easy to only focus on what went wrong. So my advice is to take it slow and always look for the good things that happen because you ultimately pull in more good experiences. So for those in treatment or thinking about going to treatment, remember things may seem challenging but, you will always overcome challenges when you focus on the good things.