My time in the ED (part 1)

Today June 30, 2024, I am beginning to document my time at an eating disorder clinic. These parts will shed light on a very sensitive and triggering subject for many. I want to highlight this in particular because it goes amiss so easily for some people. Most people don’t realize that it is happening to them or their loved ones. For this, I will go into how I got to this point and how I am coping and dealing with this.

I have found out that I have what is called ARFD(Avoidant restrictive food disorder). It is when your body begins to reject foods that “dont agree with me”. It is not anything that I ever thought I would ever deal with in my entire life. Its crazy because growing up I have had people joke about it with me asking me obscene questions and relating them to serious illnesses and at the time i never put alot of thought into as i am looking to not judge others and whole time i was being judged by those closest to me. Being here healing has definately opened my eyes to alot of the things i have taken on due to those comments. As i heal, I am seeing myself through everyone elses judgements. It wasnt anything that i wanted to do, but here i am. I did this because i realized that i had a problem. A problem that if i dont rectify, i was going to loose those closest to me and that would break me more than the dis-order would. As much as i hate to admit, everything that lead me here, I appreciate that it happened since it has pushed me to be the person i am today. Dealing with this and having a number of other things going on with you as deal with one thing at a time is overwhelming. Sharing my story is my outlet and hopefully i can help someone else as they take the next steps in healing their lives. When i think of food it usually makes me feel extremely neausous and sick to my stomach. I have rhumanating thoughts constantly. Thoughts about what to eat, not to eat, the smells, the feelings, the thought of having to stop to do it, the thought of having to do the chewing actions and it can take days before i even realize that is what is happening. I would go days without eating and drinking and not realize it. At times it would be as simple as me eating small portions of food at a time. It would be like nibbles and i would end up throwing it away because i would be done with it. No one really noticed that part they noticed how small i was and would make comments on how i need to eat and how small i was. It brings up feelings of when i was younger, how my thoughts and feelings were overlooked because i was just there i guess i cant really explain it. When bellspalsy happened, it was missed just like my depression, anxiety, ADHD, C-PTSD, autism spectrum, and now my ED(Eating disorder). It’s difficult to deal with the fact that you feel forgotten or missed by those close to you. I didnt expect anything except some kind of reconition for anything that was happening to me. I was so dismissed and it lead me to shut everyone out, move away and disconnect because the pain of me being me and feeling like no one loved or liked me was harder than anything in my life. At least till i started rediscovering myself. Most of those who hurt me probably dont even realize the full truth about me. I am who i am and i was not fully accpeted i was judged for my choices, thoughts, feelings and actions. i was deemed wierd and that “what is she talking about” family member. I have spent so much time seeking approval that i was not focused on myself and what was actually happening on a deeper level. Being here has reconfirmed what i already knew about my family. I love them dearly. I do forgive them as they were doing the best they can with what information they had. Having this dis-order, has helped me to see antother part of me. Most people here did not come on thier own. I am proud of myself for seeing my truth and authenticity and allowing myself to feel these feelings and pushing myself to heal even though it has been a bit of a shit show for me. Learning about all these other dis-orders, has me get more curious about my kids and thier eating habits. When you go into a treatment facilitiy, having a goal oriented mind is so important because it helps you stay curious about everything. Asking, Why does this happen to me?, When did this narritive start?, What events played a role in you getting to where you are now?, can help and be essential to your growth and understanding of who you are. As i go day by day here, i am seeing more of my who, what, when, where, and why. It is important for you to find and utilize you coping skills as they are a way to help you stay grounded through the re-discovery process. Showing up for yourself is important to your growth because you may not have any support system around you and you may have to rely on your own strength. Luckily, I was fortunate to have a very small support system in place that i trust, which was in retrospect was all i needed. I had the support of my spiritual team rooting me on and myself along with the amazing few people I had in my corner at the time. Coming here was one of the best hardest challenging decisions i ever made. I wanted to learn empathy, what better way than for yourself and with people who are very sensitive. This experience sheds light on a not very talked about subject. The sensitivity behind it is some what of a change. Not knowing what is going on with you and not understanding why you are acting the way you are, puts you in a place of confusion. People judge you, they loose compassion for you because they are not taking the time to truly understand you. Finding out who the ones that see you are, is very important on this journey. When you are in a facility like this, and you are not careful about the people you are attached to, you can cause a relapse. You start to forget who you are and what your values are because you are looking to maintain relationships vs heal yourself.